DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE CULTURE OF SILENCE

 

Stories of increasing acts of domestic violence abound. This happens everywhere in the world. From Trinidad and Tobago to the United States. The news is filled with horrible tales of women who have been killed by a spouse, an estranged lover even roommates. I know stories as long as the river Nile. If I started we would spend months on this page. Horrific stories from foreign lands I've lived in.

Growing up, domestic violence was not so evident around me. In my home, I rarely even heard my parents yell. And never saw my dad raise a hand to my mother or any of us.  My parents had their disagreements, but they mostly sorted it in hush tones. Or my dad just left the house until tempers calmed down. 

To this day, I cannot be with a man who yells or talks rudely. My dad never yelled at me, f you spoke to me rudely or harshly, that was a cue for me to start preparing my exit. There must be mutual respect in every relationship. Without that, it's goodbye buddy. So, I naturally assumed domestic violence, if it happened in other homes was rare. And the absence was perhaps why every Nigerian girl was motivated to be married.

 Marriage is a big deal in the Nigerian culture. And in some ethnic groups, it is considered the honor of every woman. The Igbos say Dibugwu (A husband is an honor). So, not being married is seen as the worst thing that can happen to a woman. The flip side of the coin is divorce which is considered much worse— you are seen as not being able to keep a man or a home. Perplexing right? so whichever way you flip that coin the Nigerian woman is screwed, fucked, and not royally too.

 So, every girl is desperate to get married, If she is not, there are a thousand relatives who are desperate for her to be married.  I have seen intelligent friends dumb themselves down to appear more attractive (submissive) to men. To be seen as a wife-material, which literally means shrink yourself, swallow your opinion and thoughts, so you are not a threat to a man's ego. 

Then came the Nigerian brand of Christianity headed by mostly men. They interpret the bible to suit this narrative. First, they try to get every girl married. In their opinion, an unmarried woman has not seen the grace of God. Then tell them divorce is not an option no matter what. God hates divorce they shout from their pulpits every Sunday and at many weekday sermons. They shame single women and divorced ones and even widows.

Submit to your husbands they constantly remind the women and that includes all your financial assets. What about the men you ask? Ah, their job is to head the household. They are in charge and no one dares question their authority.  So many women soldier on in obedience. These are women whose rights are already limited by the Nigerian constitution, in this deeply patriarchal, religious, conservative country. Where a woman is often considered a 2nd class citizen. 

Let me tell you a short story about a friend back in the day—my friend Maggie. Maggie was educated with a Master's degree in international law to boot. Nice apartment, car, everything was going good, but there was one problem. Maggie was unmarried. And in Nigeria, that's almost a "crime"

One day, another friend invited Maggie to her Nigerian brand Christian church. And before you can say "Who let the dogs out"  she became "Born again" and a "worker" in the church which means she was on her way to the inner circle of this new age Church.

Did I mention Maggie worked for an Oil firm, so her income was attractive, I'm sure people in the Church's corridors of power saw her as a great asset.  That 10% tithe to the church "no be moi-moi" in colloquial Nigerian pidgin (creole). Everyone in the inner circle liked Maggie. She was pretty, kind, and generous. And a 30-year-old single woman. not long after the head usher saw a vision. In this vision, Maggie was to be his wife, and the pastor concurred.  Long story short. Maggie married Tunde—.the head usher.  God had answered Maggie's prayers. She was now a "Mrs" And they lived happily ever after 🤣

Ladies and gentlemen, that's when Maggie's problems started. Our girl Maggie's lifestyle started to change. She stopped dressing like she used to, when I asked, she would reply "Tunde does not like makeup" and "Tunde does not like this, Tunde does not like that" became her mantra.  And slowly he chipped away at her self-esteem. Controlling everything about her life including of course her finances. Did I mention that Tunde's only job was as the Head Usher of the church?

 Each time I saw my friend which was now rare she was a shadow of her former self. The bubbly, bright-eyed, Independent woman was gone. Her smile struggled to reach her eyes. When I asked her point-blank if she was happy, she would often avoid my eyes.

Several months later she had a child, a "bouncing baby boy" in the Nigerian colloquial term. But that did not change Maggie's mien. One day, I promised to spend the weekend with her so we could catch up. It was a long since we had a girl's night out. She made all kinds of excuses to avoid it. But I insisted. I literally invited myself to her home.

Then the devil revealed himself. Tunde spoke to her in tones, I know the old Maggie would have never allowed. There was disrespect in the way he talked to her. He returned from a worker's meeting and announced "I'm hungry" in the most impolite way, and she skittered to the kitchen to find him something to eat, while he went into the room and banged the door, without even looking in her direction or their son. I have left to mind the baby.

I shook my head in anger and stewed inside. "WTF? Who was he to talk to my friend in that manner? I followed her into the kitchen and noticed she was crying. What? Who was this timid woman before me? Apparently, he had been verbally and emotionally abusing her. He would say all manner of insults. How she was the one who desperately wanted to be married when he was not ready. Call her all sorts of unprintable names.

She even confided in how his mother had waded in the matter and advised her to go on her knees and beg him, whenever he was upset. (I kid you not). And how traditionally, every morning when they wake up, she should go on her knees and greet him, and praise him to stroke his ego. Apparently, that's what a good wife was supposed to do. I was in shock. So, who the fuck is going to stroke the woman's ego. Maggie was literally the breadwinner in the house, she bore the child and spends all day with the baby. "Life no balance" in Nigerian pidgin.

Anyway, Maggie stayed in the marriage, because "God hates divorce" and "Women should submit to their husbands" I am not a bible thumper, but I definitely know there is something wrong with the interpretation. I don't know where Maggie is today, we lost contact. I hope Tunde managed to change his ways.

Women have it bad in Nigeria, Forget the city dwellers who will argue otherwise, they have it better. In many rural communities, a woman can be seen but not heard. And 48.04% of the Nigerian population lives in rural communities. That's almost half the population of the nation.

Back in the day, the newspapers would not carry news of domestic violence. It was rarely reported. I mean occasionally you'd hear one or two cases, but for a country of 200 million. If an abused woman went to the police, she would be laughed at, and told to go home and beg her husband. The pastors encouraged her to stay in the marriage and pray and fast to change the man. It is a culture of silence and enabling the abuser. Women had no recourse or place of refuge.

Thankfully social media arrived and no week goes by without news of a fatality. The fatalities make news. But thousands of others do not, and the women suffer in silence. So, there seems to be a  sudden uptick in domestic violence. The truth is it's probably been under the radar prior. But in the Nigerian culture, silence thrives, the average Nigerian is secretive about their personal affairs. and women in abusive marriages do not to be stigmatized and shamed by society.

Last week a popular gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu was killed by her husband who is a deacon in a church (Dunamis). It turns out she was being physically and verbally abused for years and many stayed silent. Even members of the church knew but stayed silent. There are many reasons for this:

• Her husband is a deacon in the Church
• Her Pastor preaches "Divorce is unacceptable to God no matter what"
• She feared the stigma of divorce by the Church community
• She feared the shame it would bring to her family

Hopefully, her death will prompt the Nigerian government to enact laws that would protect women in abusive marriages. And create programs and halfway houses, because aside from the stigma of divorce, some of these women may be financially handicapped to leave. Although, I'd hate to say "I'm not holding my breath"