MY THOUGHTS ON AFRICAN MARRIAGES IN THE DIASPORA

 

Marriage can be a beautiful thing. On the flip side, if you choose the wrong partner, Welcome to the hell of all hells. Choose wisely. Do not be in a rush. Marry your friend. There has to be true friendship between spouses.

Statistics have shown that many Nigerian/African marriages in the West (The UK, United States, Europe, and Canada) are ending in divorce at an alarming rate compared to those on the African continent. In the recent past, some young people ask me several questions about my thoughts on marriage, based on my comments on a popular youtube channel. I have had a few suggestions that I write a book. I laughed, and replied, "It's like when Chris Rock joked that, he considered it a waste of time to go for marriage counseling with a marriage counselor who is unmarried"

I'm not married, have never been, and not sure I ever want to.  It will take a man who is completely non-traditional and thinks outside the box to convince me to take that plunge. Why would anyone want to get into something, where the culture has already relegated you to an underdog position from the outset? It takes a lot of self-sacrifices to do that. This is what happens to many women in marriage, they lose themselves. Sometimes inclusive of self-identity, and self-worth. I'm sorry, I will not be that woman.

I am opinionated and have been called philosophical by a few, and sometimes have unpopular opinions. Unfortunately, I come from a culture steeped in patriarchy and religion, where almost everyone believes God created marriage, but I often tell them "No." Man created marriage. Marriage is a social construct. A social contract and you better not have your head in the clouds when you make the contract, because ideally, it should not have your head in the clouds when you make any contract.

If you believe marriage was made by God, you may want to back away now, I have started by busting your bubble on the origin of marriage. But if you are independent-minded enough to continue reading, then kudos to you. If you go back in history, you would notice that marriages seem to have evolved somewhat, and vary depending on religious beliefs. Whether it's in Asia, the Middle East, Africa, the Americas, and Europe. Our cultures and religions influence many stances on marriages, and rightly so because just like cultures are man-made, marriage is also man-made.

Marriage started as a social construct to regulate reproduction and form organized building units in societies. Once upon a time families, kingdoms, and empires would form alliances through marriage This happened in many parts of the world and still obtains today. 

In many parts of Africa, where subsistence farming was the source of livelihood,, men married many wives as a way to obtain labor and expand their wealth. If you had one wife, there is so much you and your wife can work on your farm, but if you had more than one, more hands to help out on the farms. This grew your wealth.

We are now in the 21st century, where there is mechanized farming and there are other sources of labor, so, men do not need more than one wife. We are also in an age where women have become more educated than their mothers and grandmothers and are financially independent and therefore do not necessarily want marriage to ensure their financial security. They want more, men who are emotionally available, and accept them as equal participating partners. 

And this has become a problem in many African cultures, because, while African girls were being taught and raised on how to run and take care of a home, and husband. The men were not taught the same, it was an unwritten rule, that what a woman needed was financial and physical security, so, once a man can pay the bills and stand by her. His job is done. He is a good husband. Unfortunately, that is not working for the new generation. Not even for many in my generation.

And there lies the problem. Many African men seem to be emotionally unavailable in their marriages, and while this may still fly on the continent, for those in the diaspora, living in the West, it does not work. because, out here, the woman most of the time contributes financially. The bills are shared.  So, as a man, you have to bring more to the table. Help out with house chores and child minding, which unfortunately some African men are unable to do because they are wired that it's the woman's job. 

Also in the West, there are legal rights for women that are unavailable in many African countries, so, some women key into this. And sometimes trigger these laws for their own benefit.

Another contributing factor is that there is a lot of pretense in our cultures, especially when someone wants to get a benefit. So, you may find that women who desperately want to relocate abroad, use men as a ladder to come abroad. And some men, who want a woman who they think they can control, go back to the continent to find a wife. In the words of some, African women abroad "Too open eye", you can translate that as you please, but for some, it means African women in the diaspora know their rights and are not timid. So, it's a case of the people involved not being honest with each other.

There is also, a lack of adequate communication between some. Traditionally, Africans do not really discuss their expectations in a marriage. There are unwritten rules of what is expected of each gender, this has to be more individually specific. Young couples need to have exhaustive communication on what they want in a marriage. Because in my opinion, it should be an equal partnership. With no one constant leader, the leadership role if any should alternate between the partners depending on the situation and their strong suits. For instance, if the man is better at cooking, sometimes he should cook for the family (I can hear many people laughing at this) because everyone assumes and expects the cooking should be done by the woman. Nope, cooking should be a life skill taught to boys too.

And if the woman is better at handling the finances, then she should manage the family's purse.  An equal partnership is when both partners do what they are better at to make the partnership work. There should not be specific gender roles. No one should be the boss of the other. That was in the 1950s, and we are not living that life again. African men need to change their mindset and unlearn some of the harmful traditions of the past. Or want a marriage like their fathers, like some men say. It won't work in the 21st century, "Kole werk."( In my Yoruba accent).  

Of course, I generalize, there are women, who are happy with the traditional gender roles. More power to them. The fact is Marriage is not one size fits all. It should be individually tailored to suit the partners involved. You must create what works for you and not listen to the extended family, because you know in African culture, the families get too invested in people's business. Everyone loves to give unsolicited advice. I often say Nigerians have a Ph.D. in giving unsolicited advice. Everyone thinks they know what is good for others.

The fact is if you are African and you want your marriage to work, you need to constantly work at it and communicate with your partner. As we all grow, we evolve, and so should your partnership. Marriage is never a done deal. In fact, no relationship is a done deal. There have to be constant tweaks and work to strengthen it.