Oiza plunked down on my sofa and exhaled. It's our 45th birthday. And every year we go through the same speech. Me, in my annoying high-pitched voice "Aren't you tired of waiting? And she looks up to the heavens in response.
Today, she lets out a deep long sigh. Gives me the side-eye, shakes her head, and forces a smile. This is our routine on each birthday as the years roll by. Oiza, my best friend wants a child, She has always wanted one. But is still waiting, hoping to meet the right guy and then have a baby.
That's what her church and her culture told her. I on the other hand do not give a crap about society, my archaic culture, or tradition. I make my own rules and live my life as I see fit. So, when I found out I was pregnant at twenty-seven, I went ahead and had my baby despite all the protests from family and friends about being an unwed mother.
The culture said to marry the father of my child, but I only liked him as a boyfriend, not a life partner, so I planned a future without him in mind. Everybody said I was crazy and some even felt sorry for me, thinking I was abandoned. Others expressed their disappointment. This was not the script, I was beautiful, educated, and from a great family. Why did I let my family down? Others mocked me.
Some friends stopped associating with me. Like it was contagious to be an unwed mother. Every Iyabo, Okon, and Hauwa had an opinion about my life. What I should and should not do. But, that was eighteen years ago, the best decision of my life. Every day I'm thankful I had my beautiful baby and more thankful I did not marry just because I was pregnant.
The truth is, I have never really wanted a husband, but a life partner, ah! yes, there is a difference. In my world it is different. I want something like Oprah. Feel free to judge me and lose your spot in heaven!
Enough about me, let's focus on my best friend, Oiza, who believes there is only one way to have a child: get married to the man of your dreams, then have a child. When I tell her, that's not the only way. She brings up the issue of what her pastor says and her culture and since I do not subscribe to organized religion, I let her be.
But time is passing by and Oiza waits. Her prime child-bearing years are fast declining. What will my beautiful, loyal friend do? We both come from a culture where marriage defines a woman and having a child is every woman's dream. Two years ago, I'd suggested she freeze her eggs at least, but she has been stalling. Making excuses, yes, it's expensive and not covered by insurance.
So I say to all the women out there over 35, who really want to birth a child, don't wait for some man, take your destiny in your hands. Step into the light and be an unwed mother. There is nothing wrong with it. And when you meet the right man for you, he'd love you just as you are, and love your child too.
Three months later I get a phone call.
"Hey, Aka! Oiza's sonorous voice rang over the phone.
It is 5 o'clock in the morning, and although I was up, I was not in the mood for interruptions. I was writing. The creative juices were flowing after a dry spell of writer's block. The past five days had been painful.
"Hey, Princesa! I mocked. She heard the grouch in my voice.
"You know what? I'll call you back later". Forced laughter spilled through my teeth.
"C'mon now sis, out with it, I'm joking! I apologize, it's the cold. It's January and a crazy winter in Texas this year. It is snowing again!
"I am getting married! she exclaimed, her voice bubbling with excitement.
I inhaled, exhaled, inhaled again, stuck my index finger in my right ear, and screwed it around.
"Are you there? Aka? My heavy breathing filled the air, threatening to suffocate me.
I coughed, "I'm here." My voice lacked conviction, I could not even fool myself.
"You don't sound happy for me"
How could I be, Oiza is my best friend, we tell each other everything and I know she was not seeing anyone serious except for a fuck buddy we both share, and he was not the one she was getting married to., although I'm afraid to ask
"So, who is the unlucky guy? I teased, laughing heartedly."Ah, that's more like it," she responded. Her excitement is palpable. She loves it when I tease her. It meant I was game for whatever was coming.
"Girl, long story, I'll come to your place later," she promised
Later that evening Oiza showed up and gave me the low-down on her story. Remember my 45-year -old Oiza wants a child, but does not want to be a single mother like me. So her pastor hooked her up with a Nigerian guy, who lives in Lagos. This was six months ago and my sneaky friend hid it from me. Her excuse is I would have discouraged her. Of course, I would have, there are lots of men in the United States, why embark on a foreign long-distance relationship.
They have been chatting every day for five months and the guy has proposed without even meeting her. He is 33 years old too.
"It's not going to work," I tell her point-blank. My spidey senses were alert, I saw red flags everywhere.
"Oiz! you can't possibly want to marry this guy?
"Why not? she countered "The pastor recommended him."
"Err, for one, he is more than a decade younger than you," does he know your real age? I asked concerned. My friend may be a Christian but she often lies about her age. She lowered her gaze for a second, then went on the offensive.
"I told him I am 40."
"Okay.." I mouthed more worried now than before.
Here is the thing, Nigerian men are usually not kind to older women, on a rare occasion would they date an older woman except they were gunning for her purse or something bigger. They always want something other than love and companionship. In this case, a Green card flashed on the screen in my brain.
"Why would he propose before he has even met Oiza, don't get me wrong my girl is beautiful and looks nothing like 45, if she told you she was 35 you would believe, we both eat clean and work out. But, my girl is also naive about the average Nigerian man. Her parents are Nigerians, but she was born and raised in New York. I on the other hand straddle the Atlantic, I know my brothers too well.
I swallow hard. Looked at her with affection. Who is this pastor anyway? I have to research both him and the would-be groom without my friend knowing. In these matters, due diligence was of the essence. So I changed my tone.
"Congratulations sis!
Her face lit up like a Sunday morning sun. She hugged me relieved I accepted her news. I looked at my friend, beautiful inside and out, accomplished, but still felt incomplete without a husband and child. Why? Because women have been conditioned that without a man and child, their role as humans was inadequate.
Don't get me wrong, marriage and children are beautiful and desirous but that does not make a woman nor a man. There is much more to life than that. Yes, nature has to propagate itself, and marriage was designed. But you can have companionship without marriage and you can have a child without marriage. These are all social constructs. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I believe it has merits.
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