Before You marry That "Abroad" Man

 

December is a celebratory month for many reasons. Sometimes called "Detty December" which is spending December in a vivacious way. For Africans, December is also the month many in the diaspora communities, especially Nigerians take a trip to their native land to look for a spouse. Why would anyone choose to go to a place where they do not reside to find a wife? a life partner? A woman or man in some cases, you do not know nor have dated in real time, except perhaps online, Why depend on the advice and counsel of others to find a life partner? This will probably not end well. And trust me many do not. 

I know a close friend with a tale of woes as long as the river Nile and Zambezi. His brother and parents helped him pick a wife. Someone the family knew, but he didn't. And as I write, he regrets it every minute of his existence.

This phenomenon tells me, that many do not really understand what it means to choose a life partner. Perhaps their sense of finding a partner is warped. What drives especially African men to go back home. Some say they are looking for a wife like their mothers. And I believe them. I had a suitor once, who when he wanted me to bend over backward and accommodate his excesses, would say "You know, this is what my mother would have done, blah..blah, blah" I would roll my eyes and tell him "Well, go marry your mother! Then kicked him to the curb.

African men generally grow up being dotted on by their female relatives. From their mothers to sisters, female cousins, and every relative in skirts. Females are conditioned to care for the males in traditional African societies. These men after years of living in the diaspora or "In the abroad" as we say in colloquial terms in the Nigerian communities, yearn for that familiarity. The undivided attention they see as a right.

Sometimes though, it has to do with the culture of un-equals. In many African societies, a man is seen as superior to a woman and the natural leader of the household. It does not matter if he possesses those qualities, or not, so long as he has something dangling between his legs.  He is king. The woman on the other hand is groomed to be a  follower. A submissive, who dares not upset the apple cart or as we say in the community "Shake the table"  If she possesses the qualities of a better leader, she must shrink herself to appear favorable in the eyes of the community. So, many African men yearn for that status. This is what they saw growing up in the community.

The men want a woman who should not always question their authority. A medieval way of thinking in the 21st century no doubt. But who cares? It often keeps the peace. But creates a resentful woman. So after years of dating women in the Western hemisphere where women are often allowed to speak up, the laws afford them more rights than in many African countries. Here women are more assertive and not as submissive. Some African men prefer to run back to their homelands to find a submissive woman. Sometimes this backfires. 

The new spouse arrives in the new world, where women's rights exist like she never dreamed. And girl takes advantage of all the opportunities. Invariably many marriages contracted in this manner fail.

Submissive African wives are only that— in Africa, conditioned to the environment, Taken out of the motherland, many wisen up. Realize they don't have to shrink themselves as much for the man. 

Then there are cases of girls who have been lied to about matters. I have heard, read, and listened to horrifying tales of women especially young girls, and even men who have fallen into this trap. Although, some are not totally innocent as they jump and marry these men because they long for a life overseas. So it is a case of the other deceiving themselves. A union founded on lies and deceit.

But the greatest problem is that many African girls are groomed and taught to aspire to marriage, And many do not ask pertinent questions before they accept a suitor. Questions like "Are you going to obey all the marriage vows, how many children do you want, Would one partner have to stay home to be with the kids? or even worse, will you entertain thoughts of polygamy down the road? Polygamy is horrible, but it's all a choice, if a woman knows a man is likely to marry a second or third wife maybe she would not accept the man's proposal. 

Unfortunately, girls are taught that the most important characteristic of a partner is financial security. Once a man can offer financial security. Everything else does not really matter, so long as he is picking up the bills. Times have changed and many women have become financially independent, and therefore the requirements for a life partner should change in traditional African societies.  Different kinds of questions need to be asked. 

By the time these girls join their husbands abroad, it is too late, they see the true personalities of these Romeos. Who sometimes, physically, emotionally, and financially abuse them, before they have found their feet in the new countries. Some get lucky and use the laws in their new abode to free themselves from these marriages, after months and years of emotional torture. Others may not be so lucky as their husbands often threaten them with deportation as their legal stay papers are still not fully processed.

Another angle to it is that some middle-aged men go back to Africa to marry girls who are sometimes half their age to get to become nurses to be their cash cow. In fact, they are not necessarily interested in a wife, but an investment opportunity to use these women as earners for things such as paying back loans, mortgages, and a retirement fund. A case of "A Nurse and a Purse"

Before you marry that man abroad, do a lot of investigations and research. Do not be carried away by the prospect of life abroad. Ask him questions not just about what he does for a living. If possible, ask for a visit, or better still observe closely his personal habits. Although you cannot always tell all about a person from short visits, as humans can pretend. But be sure to empower yourself, and have a plan B, so if things were to go left, you know what to do.

 As soon as you arrive in your new country, research the laws, and reach out to groups online as a resource. And no one will deport you if you report abuse. In many Western countries, all you need to do is call the police, if you experience physical abuse, in fact, a visit to a doctor mandates the doctor to report to a social worker.

In the end, we need to teach our daughters to want more for themselves. Give them the best education to prepare them to be financially independent, so when they seek a partner, they look for someone who will treat them as an equal partner in the relationship. And they are not only looking for a man for financial security. It never bodes well