DON'T FORGET YOUR DREAMS

 

Ngozichi at Goodman Bay, Nassau, Bahamas, 2015

As soon as we are born, our parents declare their eternal joy. We are their dreams come true. They profess their love in many ways. But they also see us as an extension of themselves. I know this because I have lived it. Many parents especially Nigerian parents see their children as a means to accomplish their lost or forgotten dreams and goals. Also as bragging rights for the neighborhood, the clan, and anyone who cares to listen. In their hearts, they mean well, but they inadvertently cause a lot of harm.

Right from when you let out your first cry at birth, a script is put into your feeble hands. The script is handwritten by others: your parents, society, your culture, and even your siblings think they have a say in your life especially if you are a first-born child and worse if you are a first daughter!

No one stops to think that perhaps, you were not born to fulfill their needs, and dreams, make up for their failures, or appease the clan. If you are unfortunate to be born in a culture steeped in patriarchy, and you want to chart your own path as a woman, you have to keep fighting off these trespassers your whole life.

I am also guilty of this as a parent, I wanted my son to go to medical school and specialize in ophthalmology. Ha, ha, ha, I am an optometrist, so would it not be wonderful if we both established a state-of-the-art eye hospital I assumed.

 Now, I look back at those days and laugh at my stupidity! Absurd, I cannot believe I ever thought that, doing to him what my parents did to me.- Become a doctor! Live your life for us, and marry who you want. All these expectations are a life buzz-kill to anyone. In some aspects, I rebelled, in others, I swallowed the bitter pill.

Fortunately, my son rebelled too and as time passed, I saw my mistake and said to him "Son, you can do and be whatever you want, I will still love and support you "Go live your life and chart your own path.

Our society is filled with people who are living other people's dreams. And never fully live their own lives. Many feel obligated to their parent's wishes and try to live up to other people's expectations. What a mediocre existence! this one life is yours, to fully express who you are and experience life in its fullness in your own way. This has caused many people to never reach their full potential.

Often, it is women who are caught in this web, because in many cultures, women are not allowed to own themselves, cultures and societies have a ready-made script for girls. I stumbled upon a post on Instagram where a young woman was lamenting her choices in life which were fueled by her parents' dreams. And how she is often overwhelmed by all the expectations of her family. And although to people around her, she has achieved so much at age 29,  becoming a lawyer, television personality, and beauty queen. She felt she was just living other people's dreams and she became clinically depressed, and unfortunately took her own life. 

I know what it is to have the burden of expectations the size of the Congos on your shoulders from the get-go. But I have rebelled against some of the expectations. I refused to cave into the expectations of my clan and culture. I have managed to chart my own path and the freedom I feel is out of this world.

My advice for everyone is, as you try to please your parents, extended family, clan, culture, and society, don't forget your dreams. Live your life and to hell with society and family expectations.

And for every parent, take note of the poignant writing of the Lebanese author Kahlil Gibran on parenthood. He wisely says "Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow"