LIVING APART TOGETHER-THE UNCONVENTIONAL MARRIAGE

 

There is nothing more beautiful and peaceful than having your own space. After spending the day conquering the world, everyone wants to come home to their own space. Sometimes, it requires you to have your own space away from a loved one. The most popular couple I know living this concept is—  Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk.

 Some might dismiss this as a Hollywood problem, where they can afford to live in two houses. But this trend is catching on in other places like India. And given some time, the most conservative places will want to try it out too. Marital challenges are not exclusive to one group.  And in a changing world, people are willing to try anything to get it right. With the changing times,  job, and lifestyle demands on both men and women, the traditional landscape of marriage needs some tweaking. 

These days, women have become more assertive about wanting a full life, other than a life attending to everyone's needs but their own.  Playing traditional roles that worked in the past for our great-grandmothers and mothers no longer cuts it in today's world.. Fortunately, many of us have become more financially independent and also crave independence in many areas. My space— a space you can be without the expectations of others breathing down your neck. The concept of having one's space to do as you please is real. So, being married and faithful to a partner yet living apart is a concept some will welcome.

Some will say marriage was made by God, ah, yes, and no, depending on your beliefs and concepts. marriage was made by humans. A human construct to create a social-economic partnership for the survival and propagation of nature.  And because our beliefs differ, therefore the concept of marriage is never the same. And this means different things for different people, I think a marriage works best when both participants have the same concept of what marriage should be. 

It should be a partnership by equal humans to go through life together. Kind of your buddy for life, friendship, and genuine respect for the other person is key. If they choose to help propagate nature by creating a family, excellent, if, on the other hand, they chose not to help populate the earth, that is also perfect. But it is a choice. The earth is already overpopulated as it is and resources have become limited.

But you and I know there are cultural and societal demands for marriages to be a certain way, to toe the line of your ancestors depending on which part of our beautiful earth you are located. And that my friends are the biggest mistake and downfall of the concept of marriage. It should never be "one size fits all". 

We often say the only constant in life is change. And anyone with a brain will acknowledge that the concept of marriage also should evolve with the times. If we refuse to accept this, then we are faced with problems. This is why so many marriages are failing and the ones that seem solid have some miserable people in them. 

Yet there are ones that are happily thriving, oh yes! They exist and are not as often talked about as they should be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I will go out on a limb and mention a couple, I think are thriving, most likely because they have come to a realization of this socio-economic construct and have chosen "Their buddy for life"— Michelle and Barack Obama, George, and Laura Bush, Ketanji and Patrick Jackson. Bill and Hillary Clinton, Paulette and Denzel Washington

 Yeah, I know mentioning Bill Clinton will trigger many, but he and Hillary are still married and trudging on. Feel free to add your own couples in your head. For me, the one constant in these marriages is that both partners treat each other as equals in all ramifications of the word. And of course, they are also from the old school.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I, unfortunately, come from a culture where women are not treated or regarded as equal to men, so, in many marriages, the divorce rates are low, but the women are often miserable even if they refuse to admit it because they have been conditioned to accept it as their lot in their life. 

But once they leave that environment and realize they are entitled to more rights than were available in their home country. They make a run for it. These marriages break up. If you doubt me, check out the divorce rates among Nigerians/Africans living in the diaspora (United States, Uk, and Europe). Although, there could also be the elements that many of these unions were founded on lies, because of societal/cultural expectations and demands. But that is a story for another day.

And there are many Africans, and Asians in the diaspora living apart although married, that is a whole different world, they live apart not out of choice but as a necessity. Many Nigerian families exist where the wife lives with the children abroad, while the men still live in Africa, that too is a story for another day.

This piece is really about a couple I came across. A married couple in love with each other, found themselves falling into the abyss of a boring routine and losing their sense of self. And decided to do something about it. Some would argue that in marriage you are supposed to lose yourself. Well, that is an unhealthy marriage, 'cos if you lose your sense of who you are and continue to stay together, resentment builds up and over the years you become a shadow of yourself and unhappy.

 This couple got married in their twenties and by their thirties knew something was not right. A sense of unfulfillment plagued their lives so they decided to live apart to rekindle their romance and independence and are loving it. They live in the same city but in different locations and get together on weekends. I found this intriguing. the saying "Absence makes the mind fonder" is well and alive but this can be an expensive venture for some people. 

The percentage of married couples choosing to live apart not out of discord is increasing. As people want to be married but still have some form of individualized life. The concept that in marriage you should lose yourself and independence is not flying with many folks in 2022. 

Because most times being yourself and gunning for your own dreams in life is what makes people happy, your happiness does not and should not depend on another person, like your spouse/partner for instance and that is the mistake some people who get married make. Then they get into marriage and after the honeymoon phase, what shred of happiness they had before then goes out of the window. Because marriage/relationships work when you constantly work on it to make it work. 

When you are with someone for a long time, it is not surprising to fall into a routine and take each other for granted and the kisses become bland and even sex is not as passionate, or absent, one of the reasons some cheat on their spouses. Folks who recognize this, try different ways to keep up the romance, a choice made by both partners- Will and Jada Smith come to mind (Living together apart). Whatever a couple decides to do to keep their union alive is their prerogative. What is not cool is when one partner disregards/disrespects the other and steps out on his/her own.

The concept of living apart together may be the solution for couples who do not have children and don't plan on having any. For some, this is the secret to a long and healthy marriage. There are benefits to this concept.

• You focus on the heart of your relationship without being bothered with the daily details existence of running a home together
• You can decorate your own space as you please, and schedule your time, without feeling guilty about your partner
• Absence makes the mind fonder, and the breaks will ensure you spend quality time together and bond better
• You focus on what you enjoy together and not fret about the small stuff e.g, toilet habits (leaving the toilet seat up or down), or how the toothpaste was squeezed. etc In fact I remember Gabrielle Union saying having a separate bathroom from Dwayne Wade helps their marriage